I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
