oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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