Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
