At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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