He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
