Can i not drive my cunt home
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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