Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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