I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
