Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
