i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
