2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
