Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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