I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
