She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
