No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
