He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
