The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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