I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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