I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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