peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
