Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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