guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
