Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
