I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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