i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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