so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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