I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
