I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Randomize
