If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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