is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
