Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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