sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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