mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
