Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
