Where is the hickey?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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