You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I am one with the molecules
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
