omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
