Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
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