you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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