Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
