last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
We need to get me chipped asap
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