Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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