the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
