Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
