I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
