woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
A bitchslap is in order.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
