Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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