Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
