My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
