She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
