I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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