Pants 0. Shit 1.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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