Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
