Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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