Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
