The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
